I remember how bright the room was when I was trying on my wedding dress. It was the day before ‘The Day’ and I asked Deepesh to help me with the all the zippers, clasps and veils. I was thinking how surreal it all felt.
It was that day that I first realized what my brother Deepesh’s feelings were for me. It happened in an insignificant instant. He was zipping up my dress and I felt his gentle hand on my back across my bra strap. He said, “You’re lovely Arunna.” He’s touched me before and he often tells me I look pretty but this was different. Maybe it was the tone; maybe it was because he didn’t say I ‘looked’ lovely but that I ‘was’ lovely. I don’t know; but I knew then without a doubt that he loved me more than just as a sister.
I guess it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise because I was more. He’s lived with me in Nagpur for six years even though our parents are alive and well in Aurangabad. The short version is that they’re both basically workaholics and it was left to me to bring up Deepesh. I guess he was sort of an ‘accident’ because he’s eight years younger than I am. When I was twenty one I got a once in a lifetime job offer out here and Deepesh insisted on coming with me. My parents and I gave him a hundred reasons why it wasn’t a good idea but he was adamant. We finally relented and agreed to a six month trial. Six years later there we were.
I probably didn’t get married sooner because I didn’t want him to have to go back East. We enjoyed our life together. I took him to libraries museums and concerts. We traveled to ‘educate’ him. Meanwhile I had a great time and loved his company.
He sat down after helping me get dressed and I walked over and put my arms around him. He laid his face on my thigh and I could see his eyes fill. “Do you love him Arunna?”
I started to tell him what a nice guy Jitu was but I realized that he wasn’t asking about Jeff. I said “Honey I’m always going to love you and I’m going to miss you too but I’ll just be a few miles away and we’ll see each other all the time – I promise.”
He was unconvinced but he smiled and said “sure.” He kissed me softly on the lips and said “I’m here when you need me.”
That was ten months ago; ten months before life got soap opera complicated. I was now spending a lot of time with Deepesh again. After six months of marriage Jitu was working more late hours, the fire was dying and smoke was getting in my eyes. I kept trying to talk to him about it but all he would say was, “We’re fine” or “It’s a phase.”
I came to the old apartment one night without calling. Deepesh answered the door and I said, “Hi handsome” and then I lost it. Through tears that felt like marbles I blubbered my tale of woe. My brother held me as it poured out. “Deepesh I may have made a mistake. I don’t know if I love him or if I ever loved him…but he’s been good to us and…” I didn’t say that one of the reasons I probably married him was that he had enough money to put Deepesh through College. “I can’t just walk out on him…but it’s not working and he doesn’t talk and…the only good part of my day is you.”
I won’t kid myself; it was an invitation and Deepesh accepted it. His mouth was on my mouth, on my eyes, and on my tearstained face. “My sweet salty Arunna” he said. He kissed me with kisses I knew he had locked in his heart for this moment, for me. I gave him back the ones I realized were only for him.
His hands were on me and I let him; I wanted him to touch me. He fumbled with my buttons and I just pulled my top over my head. I unhooked my bra for him and he fondled my breasts as we kissed. His face was in my neck as he called me, “Arunna, Arunna, Arunna.”
“I’m here baby; I’m here…Arunna’s here.”
He reached under my skirt and when I stopped him he took my breast in his hand and began sucking the erect nipple as if I was his mother. I stroked his hair and I felt a fluid line inside my belly that ran from his sucking lips to the wetness between my legs. I reached for him and could feel the outline of his swollen shaft running down his leg. I massaged him as he suckled and I made him come. He probably didn’t realize how tightly he squeezed my breast as he closed his eyes and repeated “OH…OH…”in loud bursts of breath.
I held him after he quieted and again he tried to put his hand into my panties. I took it out and placed it over the filmy nylon. I put my hand over his and directed the movement over my mound. My fingers helped his fingers find my clitoris. We circled and rubbed it until I stiffened and came.
It’s amazing to me now the rationalization process I went through then. Somehow I wasn’t being unfaithful to Jitu if my brother and I masturbated each other – as long as he wasn’t in me. It was ok for Deepesh to do what he wanted with me on the couch – but no touching in bed. Fingers were allowed, tongues were not. In the following weeks it became so ludicrous it reached ‘Clintonian proportions’.
I just couldn’t keep it at the ‘fingers and hands’ level no matter how hard I tried. I’m not blaming Deepesh because I wanted to ‘move on’ as much as he did. And move on we did. After kissing over my soaked panties for about fifteen minutes one night, off thy came. I’m not even sure who pulled them down but Deepesh’s tongue was finally where I wanted it to be: right on my bare swelling. I don’t think I ever came so fast in my life. Naturally I wanted to make Deepesh feel as good as he’d made me feel, so before long his whole length and width was in my mouth. It was the first time I’d let a man come in my mouth. It was the first time it felt right.
Deepesh held me and kissed me until my lips were raw and he said, “Arunna how long can we do this? I love you and I want to be with you. I want to feel you next to me in the middle of the night when I stretch my leg across the bed. I don’t want to steal a few hours here and there and then watch you leave. It’s time.”
He was right, it was time. I decided to talk to Jitu whether he wanted to or not. I went up to his office and the receptionist told him I was there. I heard him tell her to ask me to wait a few minutes and he’d be with me. I figured he was in a meeting until I saw his secretary come out of his office. Oh God, one look at her face and I knew. There were a hundred signs on her – she just screwed my husband.
I went up to her desk and put my face three inches from hers and said, “How long?”
She stammered and started the “What do you mean…how long what…I…?”
I just said it again, “How long?”
She actually seemed like a nice girl and after a minute or two the tearful admission cascaded. “I didn’t want to at first…I needed the job…I’m sorry …I’m not a bad person…now I love him…he told me…”
And for the final time I quietly asked, “How long?”
“Six months” she blubbered. I walked out.
I didn’t knock and I didn’t ring the bell. I used the key I still carried in my purse. Deepesh was surprised to see me and more surprised when I took him by the wrist and led him into the bedroom. He didn’t ask for explanations and I wasn’t going to take the time for them until after I had what I needed: Deepesh inside me, Deepesh between my legs pushing deep into me, Deepesh coming in my belly.
His first entry was exquisite. I breathed a sigh of relief and knew that this was how I wanted to spend my life: being the person he wanted and being the person who wanted him. I reveled in the hands and fingers that had brought me pleasure and now pleasured me again. I felt the joy of completion as he filled me and my channel held him fast.
He wanted and I gave, I opened, I promised. “Arunna please don’t leave again, stay…love me…”
“I’ll never have a reason to go again, I need you too love…I need you in me…I need to be with you.”
I started to spasm into orgasm and felt the pressure of his width ease as he came in me. We moaned into each others mouth as we kissed and came. When all the moving stopped, I locked my legs around him and didn’t want to let him out. He laughed as he tried to lift out and I lifted up with him. I said, “I’ll only let you out if you promise to come back soon.” He promised. I cuddled into him and kissed his fingers and hands.
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